Jennifer Dawn Clifford

My daughter jennifer dawn clifford was a lovely girl, hard working kind generous and loving. She died all alone in a prison cell in Bullwood hall young offenders institute in Essex, where she had only 2 weeks remaining of a 3 month sentence for shoplifting. Sadly she had got involved with hard drugs eventually injecting heroin. We tried so hard to help her, but drugs became her life, she got her prison sentence for shoplifting to feed her habit. In sheer desparation I even contacted her Drs to try and get her help, but they were powerless to help her unless she asked for help, and she kept denying she was on drugs. I actually begged the magistrates to lock her up for her own good, I thought she would get help for her drugs problem in prison, I was so afraid of her overdosing and dying. She stood in the dock thin, dirty and wearing bedraggled dirty clothes, I remember her fingers were black . It was so hard to hear her solicitor say she didn't get on with her mum, even though I know it was just a ploy to try and stop getting remanded. so she could get more drugs. She even begged me for £10 so she could get more drugs when she left the court. But the police helped me, and the court did remand her. I left the court and went home sobbing my heart out, wondering if she would ever forgive me, but I didn't know what else to do. I visited her in the prison a few days later and she thanked me for what I'd done, she said she needed help, but she was pale and suffering from stomach cramps, she was rattling she said (coming off the drugs) she spent a few weeks on remand, and came out fit and healthy, sadly it only lasted about 3 days, before she was back on the drugs. She actually learnt more about the drugs world while in prison. She had a boyfriend and moved into a flat with him, he was also a heroin addict. Every day we worried about her, where was she? was she safe? had she overdosed? Was she dead? I remember her standing by the window in the front room , and jon her stepdad said "look at you jen you're dying, we'll end up burying you if you don't get off the drugs" she denied she was taking drugs, but she said" I don't want to be buried i want to be burn't, don't you dare bury me" and then she was off probably shopliting to feed her habit. Then there were the times she would turn up with black eyes, cuts and bruises where the drugs dealers had beaten her, and she would just say she fell over, we knew it wasn't true, but were powerless to do anything. The police knew but never did anything, I suppose in their eyes, she was just another drug addict, but she was our daughter and it could happen to anyones child, nobody is immune from drugs. The worry would just go on and on, it took over every waking minute , even throughout the night , it was the last thing we thought about at night, and the first thing on our minds when we awoke (that's if we managed to get any sleep at all) then we heard nothing for a few weeks, the worry was driving us mad, nobody knew where she was, the police couldnt help us. Every day we would wonder if the dreaded knock on the door would come? After fleeing to Bournemouth with her boyfriend, she was eventually arrested for shoplifting. When she was put in prison, we were actually relieved and could even sleep at night. While in prison she was a model prisoner, she had a good job and seemed to actually like being there. We thought she would be safe in prison and get help with her drugs problems. This was not to be! The dreaded knock on the door came at 2am one cold february morning, (6th February 2003) completely out of the blue, 2 policemen informed me that she had died, and they couldn't even tell me what had happened as they didn't know. I then had to go upstairs and tell my husband Jon, Jennifers stepdad the tragic news,I couldn't let the police tell him. He was absolutely heartbroken, we just spent the rest of the night in complete and utter shock.All we knew was that she had died, we didn't know how, nobody was available to tell us. We found out that Jennnifer had committed suicide, by hanging herself in her prison cell with her dressing gown cord. We did not tell her brothers till the morning, but before then Gerrard the youngest one started shouting "why are you cuddling me so tight, is it you mum or dad?" Jennifer would always hold gerrard tight and cuddle him, was that Jens way of saying goodbye, I' dlike to think so. She had left a suicide note saying she hoped to go to a better place and come back a better person, and from that moment our hearts were broken. No matter what Jennifer had done, she didn't deserve to die like that, she was our daughter, and we loved her so very much. The journey to Essex to identify jennifer, was the saddest and hardest thing I have ever done, (Jon , jennifers stepdad couldn't go as he was too ill )we were devastated and in complete shock. No parent should have to go through the ordeal of their child dying. We all miss her so much, especially knowing we will never see her again. We are all heartbroken and her 2 brothers will never get over their sister dying. there are so many good memories of jennifer, that we must be thankful for them, but I as her mother will never get over the loss, there will be no wedding, no grandchildren, no more hugs or kissses from jen. Jennifer took so much of my heart with her. Jennifers brother and girlfriend have just had a baby boy, Jennifer has missed out so much on life. if you are reading this light a candle for jennifer and send her your love, she really didn't deserve to go so young, she had her whole life in front of her, and I really dont think we will ever come to terms with losing her. Not one day passes when I don't think about her and wish she was here, it feels as though part of me is missing. Sometimes I catch sight of someone who looks like her, and for just a fleeting moment time stands still and I hope....but I know it isn't her, and I just end up upset and asking myself why? There are so many if onlys and what if things we had done had been different, I wonder would she still be here? But we had to give jennifer her freedom, freedom to live and choose the way she decided to live her life, and that means letting go, even when we saw her taking the wrong path. We could only advise her and offer her help, it was up to her to choose to accept or ignore it. Even if letting go mean't that our hearts were broken over her.As time goes by I truly believe that Jennifer thought the only way to escape the drugs was to take her own life, as they had too much of a hold over her, at least the dealers can't get to her, and no one else can ever hurt her, she's safe from harm now if that is any consolation, but I don't know if I can ever forgive her for leaving us. I wrote the following poem just after Jennifer died and wanted to share it with you.....
WHY
I held your hand so cold and small
trying to make some sense of it all
you looked like you were only sleeping
the only sound was of me weeping
but all I could do was stand and cry
and ask that awful question WHY?

you'd left us and you'd gone away
on this earth you didn't want to stay
you'd had your fun on earth you said
but why did you have to end up dead
but all I could do was stand and cry
and ask that awful question WHY?

my love for you forever strong
even when you did things wrong
you knew that I was always there
to dish out tender loving care
but all I could do was stand and cry
and ask that awful question WHY?

there's no love stronger than your mothers
except for jons and your two brothers
there's so many words left unspoken
one things for sure we're all heartbroken
but all I could do was stand and cry
and ask that awful question WHY?

I'm sure I just saw the trace
of a tear that fell upon your face
and just for only a short while
I really thought I saw you smile
but all could do was stand and cry
and ask that awful question WHY?

but as I said farewell my love
please take my heart with you to cherish
to see you safe with god above
is for you my dearest wish
but all I could do was stand and cry
in my heart I know the reason WHY!

thankyou for taking the time to read about jennifer its nice to know people do care
Jennifers mum xxx